I went directly from undergraduate school to graduate school. In graduate school, during the course of two rigorous academic years, they pumped us up with ideas that we were the Best and Deserved Lots Of Money and blah blah blah. Nearing graduation, a college-friend’s dad – a CEO of a company – offered me a job, and I, with no business experience and zero leverage, had the naïve audacity to ask for more money. He didn’t call me back, and it took me a while into my first job to understand why. What a fucking idiot I was.

All that to say that as humbling as that experience was, I was similarly humbled by the way things went down with Group 1 of American Idol. Totally picked Alexis Grace The Young White Mommy With An Aretha In Her Soul to go as top girl. But Michael Sarver The Oil Worker as top guy? Are you kidding me? I totally had Danny Gokey I Get You Lost Your Wife But It’s Seriously A Damper To Keep Talking About It as the top guy. And even though he’s still going through to the finals, I think the third spot should have gone to Ricky Braddy Is The Cutest Nerd With Zero Air Time or to Anoop Desai What Were You Thinking To Sing An R&B Ballad before the Oil Guy singing that godawful Gavin DeGraw song.

Needless to say, I’m a little skeered heading into tonight’s results show. After all, last night was excruciatingly awful. For most of it, it might as well been a round of those auditions they used to show where the trainwrecks led to show ratings. I was never a big fan of the majority of the Group 2 contestants, save my favorite, Adam Lambert. And I think he will, or at least SHOULD, get the top guy’s spot. I also think that if he makes it into the finals, he needs to show a side that doesn’t include the Billy Idol sneer and so much, albeit, pitch-perfect screaming.

As for the girls, I think Allison Iraheta, aka Braces, should be a shoo-in for the top girls spot. She isn’t a waif and she’s got a joker type smile and even though god made her perfect except her red hair, the combo probably doesn’t spell C-O-M-M-E-R-C-I-A-L. Invisalign sponsorship, anyone? She’s showed personality as flat as Houston, but damn, girl brings it on stage. Hopefully the voters remembered that.

As for the third spot, if my eyes were closed, vocally, I’d say it’s a toss-up among Megan Corkrey, Mishavanna Henson, and Kris Allen. But since I watched most of the show with one eye painfully squinched, and the other eye peeking out from behind a pillow, I have to say that Corkrey’s corky dancing was really really distracting. And don’t they have wardrobe people at this point? Because the little house on the prairie threads mixed with architectural digest tattoos mixes as well together as tequila shots and wine. MySharona’s voice was good, but not sure about the song choice. And Kris Allen, the cute guy from Conway? A little too jittery with the dancing weirdness, I mean, he was singing Man In The Mirror, for crying out loud. And what happened to Matt Giraud??? Dude rocked it in Hollywood, all sultry with the piano and blues and friggin’ took a dump all over the stage last night.

I’m most nervous about Adam not getting through tonight. And most nervous that Welder Boy will make it through. As for all the rest of them, meh. Thank goodness for DVR.

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