Dear RaJenBabies,

It was great to see you on Monday morning.  It had been fourteen days.  Sorry for all that pushing.  That’s an external sonogram and they really press on my belly.  It was different for three reasons:  (1) we were visiting a new doctor, a maternal-fetal health specialist who was doing a Nuchal Translucency scan.  Since I am high-risk (read: high-maintenance), this doctor and our OB doctor will coordinate care for the three of us.  (2) As you get bigger, they’ll pretty much be doing this kind of sonogram, so you might want to get used to your waterbed getting jostled a bit during our visits from here on out.  (3) There’s a third reason, but I can’t remember it.  Apparently that happens during pregnancy.

You were both a little quieter on Monday.  Which I completely understand.  Believe me, after all that waiting we did, I could have used a nap myself.  At least this time I brought a snack.  The results from the scan were excellent and both of you are measuring right on target, which is about 2.5 inches, or about the length of those square post-it notes.  No, there’s not a third baby in there pushing in your balloons.  Yes, I know it’s as big as you are.  But that’s just my fibroid, now 6 cm and looking like a black and white photo of a gala apple.  Everybody is keeping an eye on it but we don’t expect it to cause any problems.  All in all, things are looking good on the inside, and we won’t see the specialist again until 18 weeks. 

Speaking of the inside, have I told you about kindling?  Well, kindling is really helpful in starting fires because the burn starts small and slow, and then, using that energy, it grabs the things around it and makes the fire grow stronger still. 

We have all kinds of kindling piles inside us – it’s where feelings grow from.  All kinds of feelings, too: happiness, anger, sadness, compassion, grief, excitement, indifference, elation, any lots more.  The size of the pile can be small, big, controlled, uncontrollable, or completely unexpected.  Like this raging fire of love we have for the two of you.

That same kind of fire, though, can have its kindling start from grief and loss.  I know you don’t know what this means yet, but the truth is that it’ll happen.  Oh, we’ll do everything possible to shelter you from feeling sorrow and pain and sadness, but sometimes it’s completely unpreventable.  Like this past week.

You see, last week, our good friend lost her baby P Pod at 9 weeks. 

I know she and her husband had a fire for her baby just like the one we have for you.  So for that to be unexpectedly scattered about is just a terrible thing.  I’ve had a sad fire for my friend this past week.  Sad fires make your throat feel tight and your head feel hot and your insides feel hollow and melty at the same time. 

You probably know P Pod up from heaven from whence you all came.  And being how all of you are still closer to God than to the outside world, it might be difficult for you to understand why it is that we’re sad.  Because to you, P Pod is a precious child who is just going to sit on God’s lap a little while longer.  And you’re thinking: how can that be a sad thing?  And I’m not saying that it is.  It’s just that, I have to be honest, we’ve been on the outside a lot longer time where things can get a little jaded and swirly and confusing and it’s really hard to understand why these things happen.

So if you don’t mind, whisper this in God’s ear: please send some extra angels to be with our friend and her husband and surround them with hope and love to carry on.  We’ll do our best to show them love from the outside and everything, but it’s just that God can get in those dark, quiet spaces that the rest of us can’t reach.  And please remind P Pod of that burning flame of love in the heart of P Pod’s mom and dad.  Because the winds can scatter the kindling about, but those kinds of fires burn long and warm and deep and the glow will be there when God sends P Pod back.  And we’ll all be waiting. 

Love,

Your Momz

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