Growing
Headed Home, March 21, 2007.

I had taken my camera to work the other day to take pictures at a colleague’s birthday party and I was sitting in traffic (see picture) …because there is a LOT of time to sit in traffic when living in a town of six million people. My drive was particularly long that day, for no reason in particular. And it got me thinking to myself that my commute to and from work is a lot like my journey to conceive.

I keep getting on the road.
It’s slow.
I know the route without even thinking about it.
There are several ways to get there and some take longer than others.
There are distractions.
Sometimes construction shuts roads down temporarily.
There’s an HOV lane, but it’s usually going the opposite direction I am.
There are those nice people that let you merge.
There are those assholes that cut you off.
I eventually get to where I am going.

And that’s the part I’m hoping and waiting for: the getting there, holding a wee one in my arms and watching my beloved hold the wee one in her arms. Growing the kiddle up.

So we are moving on. Moving on to the Mother Of All Alternative Insemination methods: in vitro fertilization, or IVF. This is our heartfelt decision. One spurred along by the bottom line fact that as I was gathering my tax files to send to my accountant, I totalled up our trying-to-conceive items and it came equal to an IVF cycle. So why not increase our chances and go all out? I mean really, after NINE IUI’s, eight of which were doctor assisted and four of which were with Clomid or Gonal-F, six of which were monitored with blood work and ultrasound, why not pull the trigger on the motherload?

Plus, the clinic we’ll go to will do ICSI (injecting a single sperm into each good egg to jump start fertilization) and assisted hatch (breaking the egg’s shell just prior to transfer to ensure the cellular mass exits the egg and has the opportunity to implant). All those things help us feel REALLY REALLY good about our chances. But I have read enough to not be so naive to think that conception and pregnancy is a guarantee with IVF, in spite of the costs. I heard someone describe the first IVF as a “diagnostic” — because you just don’t really know how your eggs will behave until they are put on the spot, under a microscope, sitting in the scientific playground of an embryologist. It makes me nervous to see how my eggs will perform. I mean, I can verbally and mentally coach them: grow! fertilize! get a good grade! But there are no guarantees. I read that women, on average, can develop 8-30 eggs in an IVF cycle. But what if all my eggs are EMPTY? Or what if NONE of them get a good grade? That’s pretty scary. Nightmarish, really.

But we are hoping for the best.

For now, we want to celebrate the birth of our nieces, Emily Raquel (my sister’s daughter) and Bailey Lyn (my beloved’s brother’s daughter), both born in the last 5 weeks. And then we’re going to enjoy my brother’s wedding in late April. And we’ll just marinate in the blessings that we call our family. And then we’ll try to grow the one we’re creating. Starting in about 8-12 weeks.

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