Four days ago, my beloved announced she was giving up Sweets for Lent. And before I could crush the voice escaping through my mouth, I announced “I’m going to give up carbohydrates–the bread and dessert kind.” WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?

This morning, my beloved had the audacity to suggest that after this 40 days is up, I will feel so much better being cleansed of bad carbohydrates. She is also 5’4″ and 100-and-nothing pounds who can eat a bag of Hershey’s dark chocolate kisses right before bed. AND PEOPLE WITH THAT KIND OF METABOLIC MAKE-UP SHOULDN’T GIVE FOOD TIPS TO PEOPLE WHO CAN GAIN WEIGHT JUST BY LOOKING AT TRANS-FAT RICH FOOD. I quickly grabbed the nearest french baguette and hit her over the head, blinked, and realized it had just been my imagination. One of the many reasons my beloved is thankful I now take antidepressants.

So today my employer celebrated “Go Texans Day” which has something to do with the Rodeo that comes through town, but I look at it as a chance to wear jeans and heels to work. In the past, the luncheon has been catered by Beck’s Prime, and they have awesome hamburgers and french fries. Really awesome. Awesomer now because I can’t have any. So I was pretty worried about my Lenten commitment, all 38 of the 960 hours into this TIME OF PENITENCE AND REFLECTION. But I felt safer when I saw the Pappas Bros BBQ van near the courtyard. I faithfully had some brisket, beans, pickles, and NO BREAD or fudge brownies, or pecan pie squares. None. Zero.

Ever since the genius announcement from within, I think about carbohydrates ALL THE TIME. The way I can warm rolls in the toaster oven, spray butter on them, and pop them in my mouth one half at a time. Or ball up some white bread in my hands and let the succulent dough balls just melt in my mouth, all gooey like casting plaster, or cut a slice of Comte cheese and put it on a pumpkin seed flatbread, or freeze my oreos and dip them in ice cold milk. All this pining away is supposed to remind me of the sacrifice Jesus made for my sins, but right now I’M TOO HUNGRY.