Well, if you are going to get slapped down with the fact that you are not, once again, pregnant, you might as well find out in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Which is where I was December 3-6, far away from every thread of my support system, on a business trip. My tears mixed in well with the Sea of Cortez, picture above at sunrise. Those glaciers up in Alaska can stay frozen just a little longer because I did my share of replenishing the ocean with salt water. And I had myself a good massage on that there ocean front table by one cute, young Mexican gentleman named Alex.

I’ll have an ultrasound next week to see how the cysts are doing, but given their size, I am not particularly hopeful. For now, we prepare for the holidays and our trip to San Antonio to visit my family. I am so grateful for them.

This cycle, and my emotional state is best summed up in quotes from emails/journaling to/from me:

11:16 am 12/04/2006. From “Aunt Tam”, a Sherpa and co-worker, upon hearing the news: “I will take care of all the work things, and sweet friend, only God can take of the rest. I pray the Holy Spirit will knit herself to you, voice your petitions to the Lord, which is promised to us, and mend your heart. As hard as it is to bear, I know you know God only desires good for us, His beloved creation. And His timing is perfect — every time and in all things.”

1:05 pm 12/04/2006. “I am on a chaise lounge overlooking the infinity pool at my toes trying to distract myself with George Winston at my ears and John Grisham at my eyes oddly wishing I was home. But then I’d have to b at work and I can cry here in anonymity better”

3:00 pm 12/04/2006. A Sherpa: “The many pieces of you I imagine glittering in the sun. Lots of reds and oranges with some green and clear pieces as well. Rubies and topaz, emeralds and diamonds. Beautiful to see you in the sun, but awful to see you broken, shattered like glass. Such a mosaic. Let the heat of the sun reforge those pieces into the beautiful, special, deserving, fantastic you. Let the grief and disappointment be driven out by the heat.”

06:48 a.m. Pacific Time 12/05/2006: “I am this minute, nestled into some lava rocks above the crashing blue green waves, watching the sun rise”. [picture here in this post]

9:48 am 12/7/2006. “I can’t ‘try’ this next cycle. Three cysts: 21, 26, 33. It’s CD4 and my lining is 9mm. Yes, they ran an HCG despite my better judgment. No, it did not come back positive. But go ahead, knock me down while I’m trying to get up. What do I care. I started spotting CD21. Started heavy bleeding and clots CD23. Now, Diane (the nurse) tells me with such a thick lining (thank you cysts and estrogen!), I will “really” bleed before it’s all over. [I did not bleed again after this day]. Fuck it. Where’s my shell dammit? I want to kick and scream and cry and run away. I am not having such a good day. After 6 failed attempts, not only do I feel like a failure, but I feel my greatest fear, which is that I’ll never be pregnant, seem more real than ever. With each passing cycle I have adjusted my hope down to zero, thinking that maybe that’ll decrease the volume of the disappointment. That is the worst part. I have no escape from the pain. I know it is early. I know I am young. Blah Blah Blah. But no matter how numb I become to the Hope (that self-preservation thing), the Devastation is exponential.

4:24 pm 12/7/2006. Personal and emotional is all I know how to be. I can built my motes and castles and walls, but come the tides, I just get washed away. Best not build at all. Best just be. Transparent.

3:05pm 12/11/2006. Pressure. Again, that is a good word. I feel a lot of it. I am putting myself under it. J is now feeling it. Because she can’t complete me, she feels insecure. That is my Salt. So I try to be strong. But I just can’t. And she feels weak in my weakness because she cannot give me strength. Salt again. So now there is space. There is space everywhere around me. I feel distant. T called this morning and I didn’t want to talk to her. We are at the party last night and I didn’t want to talk to people. I didn’t want to respond to my sister’s email. It has been a weird day. The weather. Not getting to work until 11a. Crying (surprise surprise) at acupuncture this morning. I asked Sadhna to give me lots of needles to make me un-depressed and to blast away the cysts. I wanted her to stick me with needles to make me hurt and bleed. Because then at least the pain would be tangible from the outside instead of the inside only.

2:24pm 12/18/2006. The evening I returned from Cabo we ran into MMW and SS and Jake at Café Express and told them of our situation and MMW said “That is a lot of pressure.” And I thought, yes, that is What It Is… Saturday, I picked up some earrings for Jen and, Nicole (the jeweler) asked how things were going (Jen had told her we were trying), and I told her it didn’t work. And she said, “you know, diamonds are formed from immense pressure.” And I thought, yes, that is What It Will Be! We’ll hope for a diamond in this rough!

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