My mom called to check on us the other night. I was crying. So was Bruiser, Birdie, and Matou. It was a particularly tough weekend in our household. We were all tired, all hungry. The day hadn’t started out that way. Yes, Bruiser was very fussy, but he didn’t seem inconsolable. Birdie mostly slept and ate. So, as a special treat to ourselves, I called in an order of Chang’s Spicy Chicken and Combination Fried Rice from P.F. Changs as our Pat On The Back. And if rookie parenting does just one thing, that thing is HUMBLES YOU to pieces. Falling apart at times pieces. No sooner than The Beloved brought it home that everything started to come unhinged. Hungry baby who didn’t want to eat. Screaming. Arching back. Inconsolable. Other baby screaming, hungry, spitting up, needing to be held.
If parenting does a second thing, it’s that it confuses the hell out of you. Take any sign or symptom and ask 5 people and read 3 books and you’ll get 15 different answers/responses, most of the time conflicting. I posted a desperate plea on three parenting boards I belong to (thank goodness for copy/paste!) and I spoke with my mother. My mom said “are you sure it’s not something in the house?” which is her way of asking THOSE SHEDDING DOGS ARE STILL AROUND MY GRANDCHILDREN? Some mom’s told me I wasn’t holding him enough. Another person told me she didn’t understand why I couldn’t carry both babies all day long because she knew someone who did. Someone told me I wasn’t feeding him enough. Someone else said I was feeding him too much. And a heck of a lot of people said “sounds exactly like my kid at that age and it was reflux.” That seemed like a good target for me.
A third thing of parenting? Addressing issues is like roulette. Try one thing once, and it might not work, try it again and it will, try it again and it won’t, but it might on the other kid. Which leads to the fourth thing of parenting and that is that you end up doing what works no matter what you read or hear. There’s a dirty little secret of parenting: people bend the rules or break them altogether. Which makes me feel better, because we were bending them already. Example? We put Bruiser on his belly to sleep. Yep. SUE ME. But it made him feel better and he actually slept for the first time after a 12 hour stretch of discomfort, pain, crying, and irritability. And in the process of posting to those boards, I learned that a heck of a lot of parents do it, too.
I followed up with a phone call to the pediatrician last Monday morning and he agreed with our assessment and in fact wanted to go “full court press” in getting him better. So he’s on Prevacid and we also had to switch his formula to one that costs as much per month as a Texan’s summer electricity bill. But whatever makes him feel better, you know? He definitely seems to be feeling better, thanks be to God.
It was some time during that very difficult three days that I started seeing a mirage when I looked at the pacifier that soothed Bruiser so much. Have you noticed a lot of paci’s have two holes? I’m sure the Real reason is to provide circulation so the piece doesn’t suction to the baby’s face. BUT, I’m sure if we ever pass the Newborn Initiation Period, we’ll learn a parenting version of the Secret Handshake and that’s that maybe you can attach soft elastic through the holes in the paci and just have them wear it like a surgical mask.
I get how Happiest Baby On The Block purports that swaddling and shhhhing and sucking the paci helps sooth a baby, but there was no Extra Chapter on keeping the paci IN their mouths. Anyone have any ideas to keep a paci in from afar without landing ourselves a visit from Child Protective Services?
What with all the blissful busy-ness at our home, I don’t have a whole lot of time to look like a decent human being. I mean: blog? or makeup? Easy. I was on my way home from the store the other day and actually caught myself at a stoplight plotting out when in the next five days I would shave my legs before my doctor’s appointment next week. Seasoned parents are probably snickering at how discombobulated I convey to be, but I’m an admitted amateur.
I had most recently taken to wearing a do-rag because I’d much rather love on the RaJenBabies than spend any time on my hair. Which is fine for while I’m at home, but when I go back to work, that won’t be o.k. So I decided I needed a haircut, something easy but sassy. And unfortunately, with fine, flat hair, that meant I had to cut my ‘long’ hair off. So I went about breaking another rule: I wore a do-rag to get a haircut. All the people at the salon stopped and stared at me. I felt like I should be on Ten Years Younger. Have you seen that show? I hope to get nominated for it, even though the nomination would be crushing. I mean, really, does your friend THANK YOU for nominating them to be on What Not To Wear? Yes, it would help, but how is getting on the show a compliment? I’d get over it, though, just for the clothes, the boob lift, and the lipo.
Anyway, naptime is just about over. So I best get to preparing bottles. I’d try to stay ahead of these two lovies, but that’s a fifth thing of parenting: just when you think you’ve figured something out, the kids go about changing it all around. Which is why we can confidently say that this is the most difficult fun we’ve ever had.
17 comments
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May 27, 2008 at 10:10 am
Preemie Twins Nanny
Wow. I’m impressed that you blogged. I love it and love hearing how things are. You are really doing a great job, both of you. Anyone who tells you being a lesbian makes you less of a parent or not the same or whatever is full of it. You are going through what every one of our parents’ of twins has gone through. Newborns are tough and unpredictable and YOU are doing a great job. One of my twins’ families found it helpful to put up reminders that they were “good enough” parents. You are good enough, nobody needs to do a perfect job, because there is no perfect way to do it. I’m a nanny, I’ve had five sets of twins and each family has been different because each family is different. Both of you are doing a good job.
Your pacifier question is actually right with the times. Parenting mag just had a blip about getting your baby to love the pacifier – most newborns can’t keep them in their mouths – and I heard some other site talking about the same advice. It’s all very similar to the Pantley Method (some parenting/sleep book, author Pantley) that is supposed to teach your baby to sleep without the pacifier, but that’s expected, extreme ends of the spectrum are generally pretty similar, right? So the theory is to put the pacifier in and as soon as your baby begins to latch on, pull on it a bit. This should cause them to suck harder to keep it in improving their muscles and coordination used for sucking. I can’t seem to find the magazine here, but I’m pretty sure it was the recent issue of Parenting, could have been Baby Talk though.
It’s true that back sleeping has decreased the number of sids cases exponentially, but you are right, many parents still put their babies to sleep on their tummies. To be quite honest, most babies sleep better on their tummies. My last two sets of twins, one 31-weekers the other 25-weekers (both quite premature and tiny) were belly sleepers, although they were put to bed on their backs every night. We’ve found the combination of naps on their tummies with back sleeping at night worked really well, both for them and our concerns about sids. When they were really young we’d be sure someone was nearby as they slept on their tummies, then at night, when everyone would be sleeping, they’d sleep on their backs. Another family I know bought one of those sensors for under the mattress because their son slept so much better on his stomach, all the time. But the nicu nurses say none of those products are reliable so you should use your best judgement, they are made to make parents feel less worried not to save babies from sids. There’s no guarantee with any of it.
Another option you might consider, if you are looking for products, not that I’m a product pusher but I can see their usefulness with multiples especially, is the baby papasan. My last little guy (twin) had reflux and while he could sleep on his belly during the day he wasn’t too comfortable on his back at night. He was very comfortable in the baby papasan, it kept him elevated and snuggled, we swaddled him and then put him in. Later, as a transition, we put the papasan in the crib and finally just put him in the crib, but he slept in the papasan for awhile. it really made a difference for him.
I’m not saying you should go out and buy one, I’m just telling you what I’ve seen work. No one thing works best for everyone. You are doing a good job and I’m not saying you need my help, but if you are interested in suggestions, I’m here.
One last thing you could consider is carrying him/wearing him for a few days while he catches up on sleep then moving to your next plan of action, whatever that may be. Once babies get overtired it’s harder to get them to sleep. It seems counterintuitive but I’ve seen it with every baby I’ve ever met. I say carrying/wearing because I think you mentioned he likes that, if it’s the stroller or the bouncy seat or whatever, it doesn’t matter, it’s the catching up that matters most. then he’ll be more flexible and able to adjust to new things.
You ladies are doing a great job.
Seriously.
Great job.
Most of the first year is spent in survival mode for twins parents. You are just like every family I know and doing EXCELLENT.
Sorry for the book, guess I can’t hide how much I enjoy multiples and babies, I’m found out. Good luck, email anytime. Ignore everything I’ve said, take pieces, whatever makes YOUR lives easier. You are on it!
May 27, 2008 at 10:39 am
Pourlebebe
Quick thought on the fancy formula… will your insurance pay for some of it? One of our twin families got the reflux stuff covered and they picked it up from the pediatrician.
May 27, 2008 at 10:43 am
indigoscot
rachel, i take my hat off to you and the beloved! having been through all of what you just blogged about with ONE baby, i cannot een fathom doing the same with TWO, and one that has reflux at that! fwiw, baby indigoscot NEVER slept on his back…well, except maybe in the hospital. he also never took a pacifier!
as the pp said, you are doing a fantastic job. the first 3 months is survival mode only. i still haven’t shaved my legs…and that’s since i was too big to bend over while pregnant this time last year. dp and i have to tag team showers! 😉 going back to work will be a big challenge too. it’s ok to have a nervous breakdown (aka floods of tears) when that day arrives.
we had our first post-baby bbq this weekend and getting ready was exhausting! dp took friday off to start the house tidy up…! it’s amazing that we managed to juggle baby indigoscot’s needs and tidy/vacuum the entire house, cook enough food for 25 people AND still be awake when the guests started arriving. a good time was had by all and baby indigoscot was such a happy boy, even when he was being passed around.
May 27, 2008 at 10:49 am
Lora
Well I only had ONE to deal with, and it may have been 7 years ago…BUT I do remember those first few months. I thought I had woke up in the middle of a NIGHTMARE! At just 3 weeks, Liam was doing the same thing as little Bruiser…crying uncontrollably for HOURS on end!! I was ready to run…in the opposite direction! After a few tests (including an upper G.I.), they handed me this crying creature and said “your baby has colic….here you go!” WHAT?!?! And that’s when we broke ALL the rules. Yes, he slept on his belly. Yes, he slept in our bed. Yes, we, too, wondered if we could get away with duct taping the paci to his face. We were willing to do WHATEVER it took to ease his discomfort (and ours!) All I can say is IT’s OK! Have your meltdown. You totally deserve it! Times two!!! 🙂 And try ANYTHING. What works, go with it!!! We did find that the vacuum soothed him like nothing else! We ended up outsmarting him by making a cassette (do they still have those things??) and playing it over and over and over and over…..
🙂
May 27, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Heather
Dalton had reflux too! We had to use the expensive formula. Check with the formula company for coupons. Also get some free samples from their DR’s office. We always got samples!! That saves money. Sign up with the formula company online for coupons too.
I feel your pain! Hope you get a good nights sleep soon.
They are sure cute, that makes it all better sometimes!!
May 27, 2008 at 12:53 pm
meg
you guys are doing a fabulous job. I don’t have much advice… because I haven’t been there yet! But, I know who I will be asking for advice when I do get there 🙂 I have heard though the first several months are the hardest with twins, and then once you get past that, it does get easier. I know that is easy for me to sit here and say. But, I know that you and the Beloved are doing a terrific job and if anyone can perfect the caring of twins it will be you two. Hang in there and I hope things continue to get a bit easier day by day.
May 27, 2008 at 2:43 pm
The Milk Maid
Hang in there gang! Rules are made to bend and break- and remember when you are at the end of that proverbial rope, you will always manage to find a little extra nub to hang on to. 🙂
May 27, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Michell
You are doing fantastic. I hope the new formula continues to work a bit better and I like everyone’s coupon ideas etc. That would help. I also have to say that in 10 months of working NICU with the lovely soothie binkies I never once thought of the elastic through the holes. Darn. Sometimes they were really difficult to get them to stay in the mouth (like always).
May 27, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Jennifer
I read the post about carrying both the babies at once! It was like a new Prada Accessory to have all the kids in the block hangingoff you! Ultra Fabulaous! Anyhow, keep up the great work girls, this is just building you up for the teen years! 🙂
May 27, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Jamie (YFNR)
I think I bought every brand of pacifiers and my guys couldn’t keep a single one in their mouth. I even had thoughts like you about how I could some how fasten that thing into their mouths – LOL. At about 4 or 5 months my kids discovered their fingers and then they were able to self-soothe a little better.
May 27, 2008 at 10:20 pm
julie
Hey guys! I went thru the same thing with Garrett, reflux sux!! Try and hold him in an upright position for at least 30min after feedings. Let me know what type of formula he is on, maybe I can send a care-package the next time someone is heading your way. They are beautiful and I can’t wait to meet them. Love and miss you all!
Julie
May 27, 2008 at 10:25 pm
karen (texas2)
I don’t know how we were spared by the reflux fairy, but we were. We had enough of a time getting sleep with two relatively easy babies. I do remember thinking why do exhausted babies “fight” sleep??? I think all suggestions should be tried if you need them.
And yes, both of ours sleep on their tummies, even at night, but not till they were 3 months old and could lift and turn their heads side to side. Before then, they slept on us. The first night we got 4 hours sleep instead of 3 was heaven.
The only other thing we did that helped was getting the Dunstan Baby Language DVD. It goes over the 5 basic sounds that all babies make. Our babies didn’t make all of them, but we at least knew that the “Neh” sound meant they were hungry. Being able to interpret anything from our babies was such a blessing!
You guys are doing a great job! Remember, this too shall pass!
May 28, 2008 at 12:01 am
amy
hang in there! you guys are doing great 🙂 the first 6 weeks were the hardest, and i only had one. whatever you are doing to keep the babies happy and healthy – and yourself sane – is right. every family has to find their groove. 🙂
May 28, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Janet Sutherland
Hey Rachel, I so enjoy reading your blog. I know it’s no consolation, but Eric had horrible colic that I still remember vividly after 31 years! I feel for you! The formula that finally helped him was Isomil. He only wanted to be held, carried, and rocked! Sometimes I felt like a walking zombie, just like you’re describing, and there was only one of him. I’ve gotten so tickled at you and Jenn calling him “Bruiser” and her Birdie. Eric weighed 9-8 and was the biggest baby in the nursery. His dad immediately started calling him “Bouncer” because he said he was the bouncer of the the nursery.
I finish school next Monday. I really would love to come over and help you do whatever I can.
Please email me back and let me know what I can do to help you and Jenn. I’m a pretty good grandmother!
Love,
Janet
May 29, 2008 at 7:25 am
Kim
delurking to say
My son is in the nicu and the nurses tape his paci to a cloth diaper and wedge it in his swaddle and the paci will stay in his mouth for hours like this. The diaper needs to be wedged so that they can spit the paci out if they choose to, but close enough that it will stay in when they are not sucking like a hoover. hope this helps.
May 29, 2008 at 12:29 pm
karen (texas2)
I almost forgot about this. We got a WubbaNub at the NICU Christmas party and then I got another one here~
http://www.geniusbabies.com/wubbanub-pacifiers.html
Several moms had great success with them. When the paci gets spit out, at least it stays close even if baby doesn’t hold the toy.
May 30, 2008 at 8:23 am
RaJen
Thanks all for your comments and suggestions. We’ve ordered a Wubbanub AND some other gadget i found that I can’t remember the name of. Julie and Janet, I’ll be emailing y’all soon!